Indicators of unhappy workplaces?

On invitation from Lawyers Weekly, I provided my comments on “[t]he new trends combating ‘unfulfilling’ and ‘detrimental’ workplaces‘.

Do not underestimate or dismiss these trends – such as, ‘snail girl era’, ‘bare minimum Mondays’ and their predecessor ‘quiet quitting’ – they give us valuable insights on the important issues and how to improve the modern workplace (and not limited to the legal profession).

I have posted about finding fulfilment in our work. And in turn, workplaces must evolve – it is a 2-way street.

Workplaces must embrace its diverse people and the different ways in which they work; this means establishing inclusive practices and systems that promote psychological safety – in particular, trust and accountability – and are adaptable to the needs of its people”.

Relationally, in the workplace, we have to care, to demonstrate compassion for others and ourselves, to move away from a scarcity mentality – where more for you means less for me – to an abundance mindset – there is enough for everyone, and to maintain a win-win approach with each other and our work.”

~ FlorenceT

 

People-watching, a perspective on living life

People-watching is often a solitary activity or non-activity. It requires a discreet approach, and usually focused on the subjects in question.

I used to watch and wonder – who are they? To each other? What are they communicating to the other? I watched the non-verbal cues. Oh, and what’s that movement for? There were many whys as well – why some are dressed as they are, why they are sitting next instead of across each other, why they are walking by themselves in a city park. A wondering and curious mind looking in. I of course created stories about the characters, and here I spent many contented hours.

For many, people-watching is merely to kill time, perhaps feeling increasingly alone or isolated as we watched.

Over time my intellectual curiosity has been overtaken by an appreciation. Appreciation for being here, surrounded by the hustle and bustle of humanity, aware of my place in the crowd. Taking pleasure seeing friends enjoying each other’s company, smiles alighting their faces, warmth emanating. I feel for that person sitting in the corner with a forlorn look, a certain gladness for the one who seems pleasantly absorbed in their book, or that child delighting in a treat offered, eyes beaming with irrepressible excitement.

Putting down our intellectualizing, our rationalizing, our needing to know… in order to be among and with people in those moments.

I see beauty and within this mindful approach, a cultivated solitude and peace.

When we stop the looking at or peering in, and instead appreciate we are a part of this crowd and our environment, no matter how unfamiliar or uncomfortable at times it may seem, we experience a felt sense of belonging.

Belonging comes not from a position of observer and subject, of emotional and/or social separation. Rather it is being aware and acknowledging we are here now, a part of this bigger picture.

And perhaps we ought to ask, extending Edward Lorenz’ discovery termed “the butterfly effect” that our very presence takes up space and our seemingly innocuous activity or non-activity impacts on our environment,

how does my presence here impact on others and this environment?

If we are judging, if we are evaluating, if we are appreciating, if we are delighting… what changes? And how does this awareness that the essence of our very presence is impactful serve you?

And if you are still wondering what the effects are, as “the butterfly effect” suggests nature is complex and we cannot predict what would happen though every act matters to influence the outcome, then

being okay with complexity, unpredictability and not-knowing is perhaps a key skill for this modern age.

I still create stories, and I hope now the characters in them have greater depth.

Busy is not a four-letter word

“Busy” is not a four-letter word. Busyness is not a badge of honour.

People have looked at me with “sad” eyes when I said I was busy, extending their sympathy to something perceived as negative and perhaps concluding  that I must not like it. Similarly on many occasions when I enquired about someone’s professional (or personal) life only to receive this reply – “oh, so busy”. These same people who seemed to be perpetually busy, as if proudly saying to the world, “look at me, I have much to do!” when what I could see was weariness and irritability.  

Have you encountered someone who is happily busy?

Many articles in recent times are denouncing the glorification of busyness, how being busy can negatively affect our mental health, that busyness  is unnecessary and that we ought to embrace the slow movement.

All true, but none is absolute.

The practical reality is, there are times when we are busy – necessary times when we work more hours that we’d like. There are times when accomplishing what we set out to do notwithstanding the long hours is fulfilling and a boost to our sense of self. Sometimes our perception is skewed in those moments when we are under intense time pressure and professional demands. Yes, busyness seems like an undesirable thing.

Yet if we pay attention and as we slowly zoom out for a wider view, away from our keen focus on the “harried life”, we may notice that we did work long hours or cram our day with many deadlines but only for a short period.

What we pay attention to, is amplified.

Through our perception and our narrative interpretation, we in fact create a world which becomes our reality. 

What does “busy” even mean? Busy is essentially keeping ourselves occupied or having a great deal to do. It does not speak of the quality of the occupations.

“It is not enough to be busy; so are the ants. The question is: What are we busy about?” ~ Henry David Thoreau

The meaning and purpose of these occupations to us are what differentiate the felt sense of “being busy”. It can feel great or it may seem too much of a burden. 

What does “busy” mean to you, now? On this occasion? 

Instead of unknowingly defaulting to saying “busy” with a sigh or hearing “busy” with a flinch, perhaps we ought to find out the nature of this busyness and to have a conversation about being busy, with mindful awareness, within context and without the bounds of common narratives.

Are you the always-busy kind of person, or just busy at this moment? How do you tell?

Or are you determined to take it slow? Because the opposite is also true. Going slow is not a badge of honour, and slow is not a bad word either.

As we head to the end of the year, to the much longed-for break in the festive season, consider this.

Why are you choosing to be busy or to take it slow? 

You’re not normal, and it’s okay

Yale researchers have confirmed our feeling different is normal, in that there is no normal. Our experience is by reference to our environment and “normality” is circumstantial.

“Change is the only constant.” Don’t we know this already? Our struggle lays in our denial and persisting attempts to maintain a status quo.

Check out this article in Curiosity.

Use the power of words

The power of literature to promote psychological wellbeing is well documented.

Poetry, specifically, is a passage into the deepest parts within us – the hidden, ignored, unrealised.  Through reflecting on our response to a poem, we become more self-aware.

When you connect with what is essentially a bunch of words albeit well crafted, ask yourself “why am I drawn to this?” or “to which part of me does this speak to?”  Be open, and kind to yourself as you listen to the answer.

This is a poem that still resonates with me.  Can you hear an invitation?

THE INVITATION

It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living.
I want to know what you ache for
and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me how old you are.
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon…
I want to know if you have touched the centre of your own sorrow
if you have been opened by life’s betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us
to be careful
to be realistic
to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
“Yes.”

It doesn’t interest me
to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn’t interest me who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the centre of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like the company you keep
in the empty moments.

by Oriah “Mountain Dreamer” House, “The Invitation” 1999

How to live with greater presence, purpose, and wisdom in the digital age

The whole is greater than the sum of its parts. ~ Aristotle

In the field of human experience, you are not merely your thoughts, nor are you merely your body or the workings of your brain.

You are the whole.

The recent Wisdom 2.0 Summit explored and allowed space for discourse on the interaction and integration of the parts of us – physical, mental, spiritual, in the digital age.

A good idea, isn’t it? To look at the human condition and to explore wellness from a whole human being perspective, instead of merely discrete parts.

Check out the Summit’s website where you can watch talks from eminent members in this field of integration such as Eckhart Tolle, Jon Kabat-Zinn, Roshi Joan Halifax, Dr Dan Siegal and Dr Daniel Goleman.

~ FlorenceT

You are your own narrator

What new stories will you be creating for yourself?

Narrative tool

Writers do it all the time, use narrative as a tool to guide interpretation, to construct meaning, and ultimately to persuade and influence. So do teachers, as narrative is also a powerful tool for instruction and learning.

Why? Narrative creates meaning, invokes emotions, it makes things “real”.

And it is also through narratives that we view and experience our lives, both personal and professional. This is how we learn who we are – from the narratives told of our lives from when we were too young to create our own.

We initially used (very large) computers as a tool for calculations, its size and cost restricted our access. Now, it is ingrained in our daily life, using it so often such that many of us would feel rather lost without our devices. Our sense of self is very much tied to this small device.

The same applies to narratives. One story does not a man or woman made. But many similar stories and repeated create a wealth of meaning and gradually forges an identity.

A narrated life

One instance of timidity, and a story being told over and over again, which in turn compels attention to other incidents of “lack of bravery”… until one day, that girl can only ever remember stories of her timidity. Along the way, she has also picked up stories of “shy” and “unsociable” which fit with “timid”. These were noted and recorded by those around her, who saw only these because the narrative is indeed persuasive.

And what does it mean for this young girl, to be known as “timid”, shy” and “unsociable”? She now makes sense of the world through these limiting lens.

Little attention was given to, nor stories told of, the times when she courageously stepped into a new world, or when she stood up for herself when accused of a wrongdoing, or defended her brother to her friends. They went unnoticed perhaps because everyone loves a good story, and a good story is one that is coherent and familiar, like a fairy tale. Except for the girl, it is unlikely to end with ‘happily ever after” unless something changes. Until she takes up the challenge of authoring her life, to learn to make a different sense of her self and her world.

This now young woman is stepping out into the world. Her unease of who she is may lead her to question and become aware of how those stories that have shaped her life emerged… grew.

Will she step out of the limiting narrative that has governed much of her life? What can she do to re-story her life?

You as narrator

Humans are meaning-making creatures after all. When there are enough “aberrant” stories, we will be compelled to ask “why”, to see new patterns, to create new meanings.

So if you are in this exciting space of exploring stories that have shaped your life,

  1. Identify witnesses to your life who will share alternate stories,
  2. Seek out alternate stories,
  3. Consciously create new stories,
  4. Choose a professional who will facilitate this important exploration.

To paraphrase a popular saying, if you want a different result, do something different.

Begin with determination and committed action.

~ FlorenceT

References:

Barker, S. (2016) Paul Ricoeur and Narrative Identity: Why we are our story. Psychology Today Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/post-clinical/201604/paul-ricoeur-and-narrative-identity

Foresight Future Identities (2013) Executive Summary. The Government Office for Science, London. Retrieved from https://www.gov.uk/government/uploads/system/uploads/attachment_data/file/273968/13-524-future-identities-changing-identities-summary.pdf

Gottschall, J. (2013) The Story-telling Animal. Mariner Books,

Szurmak, J., & Thuna, M. (2013). Tell me a story: The use of narrative as a tool for instruction. Conference of the Association of College and Research Libraries, April 10–13, 2013, Indianapolis, IN. Retrieved from http://www.ala.org/acrl/acrl/conferences/2013/papers

One thing you must do when resolving conflict

What is the singular most important thing we must do, without which communication breaks down?  Communication is the key to resolving conflict. In fact, it is also the key to preventing and minimising conflict whether in our personal or professional lives. Often the word “communication” brings imagery of speaking and gestures, making oneself understood.

However, authentic listening is imperative. William Ury, the author of seminal book on negotiation “Getting to Yes” emphasized this aspect of communication as fundamental, yet often overlooked, to any conflict resolution. Without authentic listening, we are merely waiting our turn to speak.

So how do we do authentic listening?

  1. Be empathic.

Empathy is the art of walking in another’s shoes, stranger or otherwise. It is to acknowledge and take in another’s experiences from their perspective, not from our own experience, views, ideas or values. It is seeking to understand. We may not agree, but we can understand.

Empathy is a component of the widely known skillset of emotional intelligence. It can be learned.

  1. Pay attention.

Listening requires attending to the speaker and the content. It is a matter of integrity to prepare ourselves mentally to meet the other. To orientate ourselves to acknowledge, to be open and to accept the other, without preconception. This is not to disregard our experiences, our ‘instinct’, our intelligence but rather to move them slightly aside to make space for other possibilities, constructive ones perhaps. This is the essence of not being closed-minded, and to maybe believe in surprise and a little magic. J

  1. Put your ego aside

Sometimes we hear things which are unpleasant… about ourselves. Sometimes we hear things that seems to be stranger than fiction and inaccurate. It’s confronting, and our first instinct is to deny, to return volley, to give as good as we got if not harder. Don’t.

It is not about whether we are right or wrong, or whether we look good or bad in the speaker’s eyes, nor the effect of what is being said to us. It’s not about us. It is how we take this opportunity to understand the speaker’s perspective, how he or she could have arrived at a certain conclusion, to see their truth.

It is about the speaker and the opportunity provided to express their experience, views, ideas or value. The listener’s job is to pay attention, to listen with empathy without judgment.

  1. Silence is necessary

When we hold space for more, more arrive. To do this, we keep silent. The speaker may be considering whether to add, to elaborate, to divulge… sometimes the speaker is expecting a return argument, a denial, a scoff… many things are happening in the speaker’s mind, what we cannot know for sure. But if we stay silent, just for a little bit longer, perhaps we would find out. It is not a competition as to who should speak faster or more. So give the speaker, and the conversation time.

  1. Demonstrate you have heard

To build a relationship, it is important over the course of the conversation to indicate to the speaker that we have listened and heard.

We do this when we ask discerning questions seeking clarification, when we acknowledge the emotional content of what’s been said, when we recount the facts told to us as the other sees them. We are able to convey this when we imbue the conversation with a generosity of spirit in receiving the speaker and giving the speaker the attention and empathy necessary in the situation.

Authentic listening, as with any skill, will require practice, practice and more practice. Enjoy!

Acceptance – the choice to begin a fresh

You wake each morning to a new day. And with each new day, you can choose to begin afresh, or you can choose to see the same things, do similar things… and more likely experience the same discontent, annoyed by the same matters, and aggravated by the same people or situations. Every. Single. Day.

As Anais Nin said, ‘we see the world as we are’ from our own unique lens. The same-same each day suggests the same old stale perspectives.

You know there are different perspectives or different approaches such as:

  • one that brings peace of mind instead of a disruptive unfocused mind, or
  • one that opens a generous heart instead of a closed constricted heart.

I know because I have been in that place of resistance and subsequent peace.
Because of something you are not accepting, your peace of mind is shattered. What that is, you do not know… yet. All you can deduce is a sense of restlessness manifesting in impatience, annoyance and frustration.

Does that sound oddly familiar?
Perhaps it is a new path before you that is unfamiliar and uncertain, the need for acceptance from others not received, or perhaps it is a fear of that contrary self, speaking out inside. What are you not accepting of your self that exists without your knowing? Is it something in your personal or professional life that you do not wish to confront? Can you answer the questions? If so, why are there still problems? The unfamiliar is everywhere and around all of us.
Acceptance takes more than an ‘I know what it is’. In spite of the old adage, knowing is ‘not’ half the battle, it is the beginning of it. Acceptance is not resignation to a state and certainly not avoidance of reality.

What then is acceptance?
Acceptance is an acknowledgement and warm embracing with goodwill and without guilt.
It is saying, “I’m ok. I’ve got this”, “it is what it is” or “all will be as it should be.” When we get to a place where we can accept who we are and where we are in our life, we gain peace of mind.
Peace of mind also comes from our acceptance of others and of our world. Through acceptance of others and of our world, we attain a balance to better handle situations in life and in the work place.
In my less than gracious moments, in my interaction with others, I do end up watching and occasionally internally begin questioning, somewhat critically, why others do what they do, to grapple with the why, how and wherefores of our relationships. Negativity abounds.
In a similar vein, we are agitated over how others perceive us, and why things happen to us.
Is it beneficial to your wellbeing to be stuck in the vicious cycle of blame and victimhood?
Does it bring you peace of mind?

What does acceptance do?
Accepting what is – the person before you, the situation in the moment – allows you to step out and see a way forward. When you accept others for who they are, you give yourself space to explore, without interference of:

  • The pushing
  • The resisting
  • The explaining
  • The confronting

You give yourself permission to be free.
Sometimes things happen, they just do. It has little to do with you, you are not responsible or to blame; you are simply entangled in it. Can you accept that? Do you wail and rail against society or against the Universe? Or do you accept it?

I do not mean to ignore or undermine the awful situations in which some find themselves. When you can step out from the vicious cycle – the whirlwind of blaming others or yourself and claiming your victimhood repeatedly – you will feel empowered to make positive choices. You can then acknowledge the thing has occurred; and from that place, move forward with a vision to create something new.

Like forgiveness, acceptance takes time and can only happen when you are ready to do so. It is different for everyone… there is no rule, no timeframe… just the awareness of what can be. It is a choice for you to make.

What do you need to accept, about yourself, your relationships, your situation, and about your world, in order to move forward, to begin afresh…?