Your Presence matters

01/09/2024

Words are privileged in my work. They communicate and persuade. They speak to the reason within us, the cognitive rational part of us. Most importantly, as we utter words and then narratives of who we are and how we are, these stories become part of us, they begin to form a part of our identity.

Words can prompt actions in, and change how we perceive, the world we inhabit, whether professional or personal.

Yet true transformation comes from our experience of ourselves in relation with another. And “in relation with” is first about your presence with another.

When I am with you, are you present with me? Do you consider me important enough to be here with me? Am I worthy of your attention? 

Presence

  • is the state of receptivity to the present moment,
  • has a dynamic quality,
  • is being available – not merely physical, also mentally and emotionally,
  • involves the empathetic experience of other people and their vitality. 

Peter [a pseudonym, of course] consulted me as he could not see a way forward in his career. It seemed to him that every step he took in his professional life was fraught with challenges and less than satisfactory resolutions. He was wondering if he was indeed in the right career and whether to move on. Peter also adopted some maladaptive habits to bolster his sense of loss of control.

One aspect of Peter’s problem was a lack of confidence. His success was “just good luck”, his failures were his fault. 

Our initial conversations revolved around the rational, sensible steps to be taken in the face of challenges in his work – some of which resulted in his commitment to take certain steps – the notion of “feel the fear and do it anyway”. Peter would bring the outcomes back into our sessions, most of which were positive. Initially, he figuratively patted himself on the back, not entirely convinced it wasn’t just luck. Peter’s resistance to “stepping up” remains, the fear still takes hold at “crunch time”, as he called it, immobilising him.

Ironic though it may seem, that at times of real conflict, we choose to trust a (professional) stranger than close ones no matter how supportive they can be. A stranger has no preconception or expectations of us as individuals. This gives us a level of freedom to experiment with being “different” to our “usual” self. It allows us to see ourselves through fresh eyes. This was how I, as psychotherapist, stepped into a relationship of trust with Peter, and established a foundation of safety upon which he could explore his “stuff” without fear or favour.

So what to do with Peter’s continued hesitance? It was not the ‘do’ but rather the being in our connection that provided rich evidence of his capabilities. It was not my job to tell him what to do with his work; each time there was a challenge, he was the one with the courage to face it with varying degrees of success. 

So it was that my presence bore witness to his courage, his analytical and critical mind, his creativity and his tenacity. And gradually he began to experience a different version of himself, and eventually found himself worthy enough.  

While presence does not lend itself to concrete or objective definition, its existence is most certainly felt. You have felt it – in yourself and with another, have you not?

In this age of distraction, this post is a re-commitment to PRESENCE: attending to being present with another, noticing how my presence impacts another, and deepening my presence.

How will Presence contribute to your professional and personal lives?

 

© 2024 Transfigure Therapy

Walking the labyrinth – reflecting on reflection

12/18/2023

Reflecting on an experience of walking the humble labyrinth during a silent meditation retreat, I notice its metaphor to our life.

I entered the labyrinth with the spirit of contemplation and an openness to receive what comes. It wasn’t long before my mind got the better of me. As the path led me to the outer edge instead of the centre, I told myself it did not make rational sense. Then I tried to work  out the ‘how’ and ‘why’ in my mind. And before I could find an answer, a little voice said, “the path must not be correct”. Then I heard a nervous laugh from within, which said, “I know nothing of the construction of the labyrinth yet I doubt its very presence”. This awareness of the moment brought me to lay these thoughts down, and to trust the path.

 In trusting the path, I was choosing to trust the original builders of the labyrinth and those who added to it, to the walkers who had not raised issues about the labyrinth for there was none. I chose to trust in the stillness of that moment, to my senses. So I looked up to admire the changing scenery as I took each step along the path to the centre. 

A stone bench sat at the centre of the labyrinth. The arrival anticlimactic; it did not live up to expectations which I didn’t know I had until then. Yet there I learned, it was not about this destination but the journey there that mattered.  And that perhaps without expectations I would have appreciated the moment of arrival.

I retraced my steps to leave the labyrinth. Once again, a thought came to mind that the walk would be boring even as I took the first step back. I had been on this path just moments before, after all. Then I looked up and around me as I walked. The scenery was unfamiliar, different. The experience – even of the humming of the wind, the rhythm of the rustling of trees, the enchanting bird calls – was  different. My idea of what should be and would be abated. Every moment is a new moment, to be experienced afresh. 

On reflection, I am grateful for the awareness and insights. I realise this experience of mine is not dissimilar for many of us in our personal and professional life.

We are compelled by the impetus of time and efficiency to get to the centre, evaluating our experience and measuring our success based on expectations which are historical in nature. 

But this year I hope our reflection will be different. As we walk back through this past year, let’s appreciate a different scenery. 

Choose different measures of ‘success’. Beyond efficiency and productivity, beyond monetary rewards and career perks, consider how well you have spent time in relationship, how well you have cared for yourself, how deeply or broadly you have considered, how you have opened to the new or different. 

Measure ‘success’ by the quality of your personal and professional relationships, how cohesively your life integrates your most valuable, your contribution to the ‘success’ of another, the positive impacts you have brought to your environment, your demonstration of responsibility and accountability, your expression of kindness and generosity, and the list goes on.

We may have short- or long-term plans in our life, but what we do with these plans as we walk on the path makes all the difference. It would not be wise to doggedly stick to them. 

Look up to the beauty and possibility of each moment and what it presents, and be willing to change and move from ideas and plans formed from moments in history.  

 

 

© 2023 Transfigure Therapy

People-watching, a perspective on living life

08/14/2023

People-watching is often a solitary activity or non-activity. It requires a discreet approach, and usually focused on the subjects in question.

I used to watch and wonder – who are they? To each other? What are they communicating to the other? I watched the non-verbal cues. Oh, and what’s that movement for? There were many whys as well – why some are dressed as they are, why they are sitting next instead of across each other, why they are walking by themselves in a city park. A wondering and curious mind looking in. I of course created stories about the characters, and here I spent many contented hours.

For many, people-watching is merely to kill time, perhaps feeling increasingly alone or isolated as we watched.

Over time my intellectual curiosity has been overtaken by an appreciation. Appreciation for being here, surrounded by the hustle and bustle of humanity, aware of my place in the crowd. Taking pleasure seeing friends enjoying each other’s company, smiles alighting their faces, warmth emanating. I feel for that person sitting in the corner with a forlorn look, a certain gladness for the one who seems pleasantly absorbed in their book, or that child delighting in a treat offered, eyes beaming with irrepressible excitement.

Putting down our intellectualizing, our rationalizing, our needing to know… in order to be among and with people in those moments.

I see beauty and within this mindful approach, a cultivated solitude and peace.

When we stop the looking at or peering in, and instead appreciate we are a part of this crowd and our environment, no matter how unfamiliar or uncomfortable at times it may seem, we experience a felt sense of belonging.

Belonging comes not from a position of observer and subject, of emotional and/or social separation. Rather it is being aware and acknowledging we are here now, a part of this bigger picture.

And perhaps we ought to ask, extending Edward Lorenz’ discovery termed “the butterfly effect” that our very presence takes up space and our seemingly innocuous activity or non-activity impacts on our environment,

how does my presence here impact on others and this environment?

If we are judging, if we are evaluating, if we are appreciating, if we are delighting… what changes? And how does this awareness that the essence of our very presence is impactful serve you?

And if you are still wondering what the effects are, as “the butterfly effect” suggests nature is complex and we cannot predict what would happen though every act matters to influence the outcome, then

being okay with complexity, unpredictability and not-knowing is perhaps a key skill for this modern age.

I still create stories, and I hope now the characters in them have greater depth.

Finding fulfillment in your work

06/02/2020

I facilitate growth, whether personal or professional.

This is the simple answer to the question I get asked often, “what does a psychotherapist or coach do?”

This is then followed by, “why do you do it?” Because it makes me happy, which of course begs the question, “but why?”

Clients have come to me wanting to know how to make their life “right”, to be happy or how to make the right career decisions, how to climb the mountain in their way, how to achieve certain career goals, how to feel less discontent, how to overcome their malaise… And yes, there are interventions, techniques and strategies which I employ.

And in their questionings, there is one thing underpinning the multitude of wants or desires – it is to move on, to be unstuck, to grow.

Every client at some point in their journey with me expresses the need

  • to experience being alive in their everyday life,
  • to feel a sense of accomplishment in their personal or professional life, or
  • to know there is a reason, the why, to their existence.

This is to find their raison d’être.

I am the sounding board which provides a safe space for clients to  give voice to their life – past, present and future.  I am the mirror upon which they see who and what they are and could be. Clients test out and then spread their wings so to stretch beyond what they know, to explore and take some risks which they are emotionally or psychologically ready or prepared to take.

When the necessary conditions are created, when there is fertile soil, the growing will happen. Each person’s growth is unique. There is no comparison.

This work that I do (which is echoed in my other life as an educator) – to create, to lift, to give others the necessary tools, to give them space to explore and find their way, to create systems or conditions which motivate them to be better versions of themselves – is my raison d’être.

The immeasurable privilege of being able to hold space for another, to be a repository of another’s story, to be an agent of another’s personal or professional growth is second to none.

Social reformation or organizational change always begins with the individual. My work means much and has greater ramifications. Within it, I find great joy and fulfillment.

Find your raison d’être. Seek work so you can live it. There is your fulfillment.