How to connect

 

Building relationship is a “thing” now, a mantra within the networking, management and leadership circles. And rightly so. Seeking to build relationships honors our humanity, we are more than conduits engaging in mere exchange of insights and information, time and money and the cost-benefit analysis of these currencies.

We cannot build relationships unless we learn how to connect.

And the essence of real connection which we find so appealing, supportive, enriching and rewarding is intimacy. Intimacy is the glue that binds people. Without it, any connection is barren, void of the positive meaning.

But what is intimacy? It is a close, familiar and affectionate personal relationship with another and it arrives in different ways. We may have cognitive or intellectual intimacy with another with the sharing of ideas, visions, viewpoints, dreams and hopes. We may have experiential intimacy as we do work, however defined, together. We may also have emotional intimacy where feelings are shared between two or more people and our emotional needs are met or affirmed. And we have sexual intimacy which involves the sharing of sensual expression. This would include for example, the person whom we share our epicurean or creative interests.

There are many ways through which we develop intimacy in our professional life and connect.

And which comes first? Do we connect to enable intimacy to grow? Or is intimacy a prerequisite to connection? Instead of a linear cause-and-effect correlation, the relationship between intimacy and connection is reflexive.

Intimacy and connection are deliberate and conscious processes.

We must be willing to explore, to be interested in another’s life, to be present and available to them. Most importantly, we must be real. And we have to give it time to develop.

Hold new interactions lightly, watch it and see where it will grow. Let go of preconceived notions of how, what and why. Not every interaction becomes positive connection.

So how do we connect?

Be open and sociable. This does not mean be naive and gullible. It does however mean you do not approach every person you meet as a threat. Keep your head, open your heart.

Be authentic. Show who you really are. Stop being so guarded. It may feel vulnerable but my experience has been that most people are happy to receive the real you. Few people are out to harm.

Maintain your values. People with whom you connect will be those who share a certain ‘thing’ with you; this ‘thing’ which calls to you are underpinned by your values. Be yourself. Be honest.

In this endeavour of building relationships especially as a leader, let us be gentle, kind and respectful.

Which of us would refuse a genuine connection? On this premise, building relationship need not feel like an unsurpassable challenge.

~ FlorenceT

 

© Transfigure Therapy 2018

You’re not normal, and it’s okay

Yale researchers have confirmed our feeling different is normal, in that there is no normal. Our experience is by reference to our environment and “normality” is circumstantial.

“Change is the only constant.” Don’t we know this already? Our struggle lays in our denial and persisting attempts to maintain a status quo.

Check out this article in Curiosity.

 

Use the power of words

 

The power of literature to promote psychological wellbeing is well documented.

Poetry, specifically, is a passage into the deepest parts within us – the hidden, ignored, unrealised.  Through reflecting on our response to a poem, we become more self-aware.

When you connect with what is essentially a bunch of words albeit well crafted, ask yourself “why am I drawn to this?” or “to which part of me does this speak to?”  Be open, and kind to yourself as you listen to the answer.

This is a poem that still resonates with me.  Can you hear an invitation?

 

THE INVITATION

It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living.
I want to know what you ache for
and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me how old you are.
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon…
I want to know if you have touched the centre of your own sorrow
if you have been opened by life’s betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us
to be careful
to be realistic
to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
“Yes.”

It doesn’t interest me
to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn’t interest me who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the centre of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like the company you keep
in the empty moments.

by Oriah “Mountain Dreamer” House, “The Invitation” 1999

 

© Transfigure Therapy 2018

How to live with greater presence, purpose, and wisdom in the digital age

The whole is greater than the sum of its parts. ~ Aristotle

In the field of human experience, you are not merely your thoughts, nor are you merely your body or the workings of your brain.

You are the whole.

The recent Wisdom 2.0 Summit explored and allowed space for discourse on the interaction and integration of the parts of us – physical, mental, spiritual, in the digital age.

A good idea, isn’t it? To look at the human condition and to explore wellness from a whole human being perspective, instead of merely discrete parts.

Check out the Summit’s website where you can watch talks from eminent members in this field of integration such as Eckhart Tolle, Jon Kabat-Zinn, Roshi Joan Halifax, Dr Dan Siegal and Dr Daniel Goleman.

 

 

~ FlorenceT

 

© Transfigure Therapy 2018

Your words of emotions

 

The language we use to describe our emotions affects how we feel.  I see this often in my work, and this is the basis for a common call to “reframe”. There is more to mere “reframe”.

But first, can we identify our emotions now? How do we do this? What words do we use, and why? Words are culturally-informed, and we use words as a tool for social conformity, in our instinctive desire and attempt to belong.

 

 

~ FlorenceT

 

© Transfigure Therapy 2017